Diary of a Porn Addict & What We Can Learn From it

Sandra Richardson

Mar 25, 2021

My name is Jeremy and I’m a sex addict. Wow. It took me 3 years to say that phrase in my mind and then another year before I could say it out loud and actually look for help. I feel like sex and porn addiction are two of the hardest addictions to really pinpoint and recognize as a problem. That’s not to say drug and alcohol addictions pale in comparison — not even close! What I mean is that having sex and watching porn (to at least some degree) is a normal, healthy part of life. Sex feels good. It helps you connect with your partner and it’s even good for your health! So how can something so positive be so negative?

Well, for me, sex became an addiction in college. I lost my virginity at 15 under the bleachers at my highschool. It wasn’t a memorable event for either of us, let’s just put it that way. But long before I actually had sex, I discovered porn. First, by accident but then before long, I was seeking it out. I’d sneak away during class to view a few clips in the boy’s locker room. I’d spend over 30 minutes in the shower masturbating after looking at pornographic magazines. It felt amazing and it was the safest way to have sex. Even my dad once told me that. “Keep it in your pants, Jeremy. You don’t wanna get a girl pregnant.” I was deathly afraid of not only getting someone pregnant and ruining both our lives but of disappointing my father. Every time I watched porn and masturbated, I felt like I was accomplishing something. I was successfully fighting the urge to have sex. What I didn’t realize was that I was creating an entirely new problem.

Fast forward to college and I got my first steady girlfriend who was on birth control. I was like a kid on Christmas. We could have sex whenever we wanted, without fear of getting her pregnant. Of course, I used condoms because my dad had also drilled into my head that an STD would cause my penis to fall off. In the beginning, we were both having fun. We’d meet between classes and have sex in my dorm room. At night, we’d hang at her dorm room and sneak sex under the covers while her roommate slept on the top bunk. It was dangerous and exciting and I was hooked.

Unfortunately, after the honeymoon phase ended, my girlfriend started to lose interest in sex. She’d make excuses of why we couldn’t do it. She was stressed over an exam, she had period cramps, her parents were coming for a visit. I started to get frustrated and my sex drive plummetted. At least my desire to have sex with her. Now, I was masturbating more than ever! I needed to release my frustrations somehow. I’d skip class to watch porn and masturbate at least twice a week. I became obsessed with porn videos that depicted petite, sexually adventurous females who loved sex. They looked amazing! Their tight, tan skin, big round breasts, and perfectly manicured bodies. Why didn’t the girls at school look like this?

I started to crave kinkier, more explicit, and taboo videos like threesomes and bondage. At one point, I was masturbating up to 3 times a day. I couldn’t focus without doing it. Honestly, I couldn’t focus on much BUT watching porn and masturbating. As you probably guessed, my girlfriend and I eventually broke up. The more I watched porn, the less interested I was in having sex. Looking back, I feel bad. I’m sure she thought something was wrong with her when, in reality, I was the problem.

And here I am today. 25 years old and still a sex addict, but with one key difference. I know that I’m addicted to sex and porn and I’ve started my journey toward recovery. I thought about seeing a therapist but was always too embarrassed. In-person support groups just aren’t my thing. I’m a pretty reserved person and don’t care to air my dirty laundry, so to speak. That’s when a friend of mine told me about the Stop Together online program. It’s discreet, anonymous, but still gives you all the resources and tools you need to work through your porn and sex addiction in the privacy of your own home. It sounded perfect for me.

So far, it’s working out well. I keep a diary each day of the temptations and triggers I face and how I overcome them. Here is an expert of a day in the life of me – Jeremy – a sex addict.

7:00 a.m.

I woke up this morning with an erection, but that’s nothing new. I’ve been waking up with wood since I was 11. As soon as my eyes opened, I thought about masturbating. I laid there with my eyes closed, my hand on my belly. My mind wandered to last night’s dreams about the hot girl from the coffee shop.

I forced my eyes open. My erection was twitching now, begging for release. I closed my eyes again but this time, I focused on my breathing. I spoke out loud, saying exactly how I felt – “I am sexually aroused. I have an erection but it will go away. It always does. I don’t need to masturbate to start my day.”

The mornings are always hardest for me (no pun intended). It’s when I usually watch porn for the longest amount of time before masturbating in the shower. I remind myself that if I can get past the next hour and leave the house without viewing porn or giving in to my urges, I’ll be one step closer to recovery.

I get up, take a very quick shower as to not give myself too much time to relax or fantasize. I get dressed for work, grab my lunch which I made the night before, and head out of the house. Before leaving, I stop at the whiteboard near my garage door. It’s where I’ve hung my positive affirmations. This was another suggestion from the Stop Together program. I read them every day when I leave the house and again when I get home. They help remind me that I am more than my sex addiction. I read them in my mind quickly – “You are capable. You are a hard worker. You have the capacity to love others and be loved. You are generous. You are strong.”

I feel confident and proud of myself as I exit the house. I can’t help but smile as a sense of happiness washes over me. My erection is long gone. In fact, I’m not even aroused anymore. I’m not even thinking about sex. My mind is focused on today’s sales meeting at work. I haven’t been this motivated in a long time and it feels good.

8:30 a.m.

I arrive at work and park my car in the parking garage. When I enter the elevator, I encounter my first trigger of the day. It’s that gorgeous girl from accounting. I don’t even know her name. My coworkers and I crassly refer to her as “the bombshell”. She always leaves her blouse unbuttoned just enough to drive me insane. My eyes glaze over her full breasts and I feel instant shame and arousal. I feel blood flow to my penis.

She looks up from her phone, smiling sweetly. Now I feel even worse. The elevator door slams shut and I feel like a caged animal. This is by far one of the hardest temptations I’ll likely face all day. Lucky for me, most of my coworkers are men. I don’t encounter too many gorgeous females during the day. I have porn blockers on my computer and avoid social media at all costs. The Stop Together program has taught me to identify, acknowledge, and recognize my triggers. By ignoring my urges, I only give them more power over me.

I close my eyes and lead my head back against the wall of the elevator. I don’t want her to think I’m rude for ignoring her but I simply can’t look her way. She’s too beautiful. “You are sexually aroused by this woman, and that’s ok,” I tell myself. “You don’t need to act on it. The moment will pass.” I give myself a mental pep talk. I recite the vision I’ve created in my mind of the porn-free life I want to live. “I will focus on work today and crush my goals. I will not give power to my urges. I am in control of my future.”

Before I know it the elevator dings and the doors open. We’re on floor 3 – her floor. As she steps out, she tucks her brown hair behind her ear, smiles sweetly again, and says goodbye. I simply nod and raise my hand in acknowledgment. I feel something different at that moment. Not sexual arousal or desire but, a sort of appreciation for her kindness. This is something new for me. An improvement. I smile and relish in the sense of accomplishment and peace.

10:00 a.m.

As I prepare for my sales meeting, I get a sudden urge to watch porn. I picture the bombshell from the elevator and feel something tug at my gut. A mix of guilt and arousal. I’m stressed about the sales meeting and my go-to stress relief has always been watching a few of my favorite porn clips and masturbating in the bathroom. For a moment, I consider doing it but reign myself in.

I remind myself of how confident and strong I felt this morning. How nice it was to actually feel affectionate for someone outside of a sexual urge. As a sex addict, I’ve only ever seen and appreciated the physical. I take a few deep, cleansing breaths and then remember I forgot to meditate this morning.

Now, I was never one for meditating. Sitting still in one place, breathing, and trying to be quiet was never my thing. But after using the Stop Together program’s meditation and mindfulness tools and exercises, I finally started to see the purpose and benefits. I actually think it’s these exercises that helped me to overcome my urge to masturbate this morning. I tell myself that I will mediate after the meeting during my lunch break.

I take another deep breath and remember my positive affirmations. I want to show my boss and colleagues that I’m a qualified professional who they can rely on. My sex addiction has caused me to slack off on more than one occasion. I even thought I might lose my job at one point. I need this meeting to go well. I can do this.

12:00 p.m.

The meeting is over and I nailed it! I feel on top of the world. Excited, exhilarated, confident. My boss even shook my hand. He looked me in the eye and shook my hand before complimenting me on my research and graphs. I instantly notice that the high I feel at this moment is kind of like the high I used to get from watching porn. A sense of euphoria, almost. This is the first time in a long time that I’ve achieved this sense of satisfaction with anything other than pornography.

It’s my lunch break now and I remind myself that I need to perform my meditation. While it started out feeling like an inconvenience or chore, I actually look forward to it now. How often do you get to sit down and be alone with your thoughts? No one asking or demanding anything of you. No obligations or responsibilities. Just you and your feelings.

I head outside to the garden at my office building and find the same bench tucked away in a corner. No one bothers me here. I position myself comfortably on the wooden planks, rest my hands on my knees, and close my eyes. I take three deep breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth. I notice that I still feel joyful over my accomplishments at work. I smile.

Thoughts of the elevator encounter from the morning creep back into my mind. I acknowledge the feelings of guilt and shame but replace them with feelings of pride that I did not give in to my urges, even in the face of great temptation. As my mind wanders, I focus on my breathing again for a few moments before opening my eyes.

It’s amazing how even a short meditation session can clear your mind and leave you feeling rejuvenated. It’s like I had three cups of coffee. I stand up, straighten my jacket, and head back inside to finish my day.

5:00 p.m.

My workday is done and it’s time for me to hit the gym. This is a new routine and habit I’ve adopted on my road to recovery. The Stop Together program suggested replacing my porn habit with a healthier activity that gives me the same sense of relaxation and happiness. I found this in exercise. Not only have I dropped 5 pounds but I’m lifting more than ever before and I have more energy.

The only problem is the girls at the gym. Oh my god. Their tight pants, toned stomachs, and sweaty chests are extremely difficult to ignore. But, knowing that I’ll encounter triggers at the gym really helps me deal with them better. I’ve learned through the Stop Together program that anticipating them, and even talking to my urges actually works. I know it might sound crazy, but I have this routine on my way to the gym where I say, “Yep, you’re going to see some very attractive women at the gym. They might even look in your direction. You can talk to them but you don’t need to get aroused. You don’t need to fantasize about anything other than having a conversation.”

I choose music that motivates me. I keep my headphones on from the minute I walk in the door until I return to my car. It helps keep me focused and limits distractions. At night, after I get home and shower, their images usually return to my mind. I’ve learned to replace these with reading. I’m hooked on real crime books. If you’re a sex addict trying to distract yourself from sexy things, try reading books about serial killers. That will kill your sex drive instantly. Just avoid books on sexual deviants — I learned this the hard way.

As I pull into the gym, I once again repeat my vision. “I will focus on work today and crush my goals. I will not give power to my urges. I am in control of my future.” With that, I take a deep breath, put on my headphones, and head in.

7:30 p.m.

Well, I did it. I successfully worked out without giving in to any urges or thoughts of sex and porn. I was lucky today, though. There were only men at the gym and women over 60. No temptations and no urges, but I was prepared in case there were any, which left me feeling confident and pleased with myself.

As I stood in the shower with the hot water rushing over my face and chest, I suddenly got the urge to view porn and masturbate. This isn’t uncommon. I already know that the shower is my trigger place. It’s where I used to masturbate all the time. Plus, I’m naked. The water feels good on my body and I tend to touch myself as I clean my body. I pull my hand from between my legs and force it back through my hair.

No. You’ve made it this far today, don’t ruin it now. I’ve learned to push past some of my urges by reminding myself of my accomplishments from the day. I also weigh my options. If I give in, I’ll experience momentary pleasure and joy followed by crushing feelings of shame, guilt, and disappointment. I’ll also have to start my detox from day 1 again. This is a rule I’ve made for myself. If I slip-up, no matter where I am in my detox, I will start from day 1. I’m currently 23 days into my 90-day detox and I find myself getting stronger every day.

If I don’t give in, it puts me one day closer to my goal. It makes me one day stronger. I will feel capable, strong, and confident. I’d much rather feel all of those things and get on with living my life than go back to day 1, feeling weak and defeated.

I turn off the water. The urge to watch porn and masturbate is gone. I no longer feel the need to. Instead, I decide to brew a cup of tea and read my book before bed.

10:00 p.m.

I lay my head on my pillow and position my sheets under my arms. I’m exhausted but in the best way possible. I feel great about what I accomplished at work today. I smile thinking I may even get a promotion sometime soon. I encountered several urges today and I was able to overcome them. I acknowledged them, faced them, and moved past them. My vision and positive affirmations remained clear and firm in my mind.

Day 23 is in the books and I’m ready for whatever day 24 sends my way!