How Can I Talk to My Partner Who is Addicted to Porn?

Having a partner, who is “fixated” on porn can cause your self-esteem and self-confidence to plummet. It can also prevent you from focusing and concentrating on tasks, and cause you to have mood swings, anxiety, and/or depression. 

You will inevitably start to believe you are not “good enough,” “sexy enough,” or “attractive enough” for your partner, which is why he or she has turned to porn. If your partner’s porn addiction has caused you to doubt your self-worth, or if it has caused you to sour on your partner – but he or she has no idea how you feel, it is time for you to talk to your partner about his “porn habit” and how it is affecting you. 

Communication, trust, honesty, love, support, and respect are vital for a healthy relationship. So, if you do feel safe or comfortable enough to share your thoughts, fears, doubts, worries, and concerns with your partner, you may also need couples or marriage counseling, in addition to your partner’s porn addiction treatment. You may also need individual counseling to deal with your own issues, related and non-related to your partner’s porn addiction. 

And, you may want to join a support group to help you cope with your partner’s “porn habit,” in a healthy and productive way. But, regardless of what route you and your partner take, the first step is to discuss how his or her obsession with porn is affecting you and your relationship – i.e., mental and physical health, self-esteem or self-confidence, social interaction, friendships, productivity at work and/or school, finances, etc. 

The only way you will be able to effectively cope with what is happening with your partner and in your relationship is to tell the truth. Use your voice, because there is a chance that your partner is unaware of how his or her habit is making you feel. If your partner’s “porn habit” is affecting you to the point that it is causing you to doubt yourself, any attempts to help your partner address his or her “porn use” will fail. 

You cannot help someone with his or her porn addiction if your mental health is rocky. So, talk about the addiction with your partner. But how? Well, it is your lucky day because this article is going to teach you how to talk to your partner about his or her “porn use” in a way that he or she can understand and accept.

How Common Is Porn Addiction in Couples?

Surprisingly, “heavy porn use” or porn addiction is fairly common in couples. However, with this commonality comes breakups and failed marriages. 

According to a 2018 Gallup poll, “porn use” is increasingly becoming “accepted” by mainstream Americans. In fact, in 2018, 43% of Americans said they approved of “porn use,” which is up from 2017, when 36% of Americans approved of it, and 30% in 2011.

Because it is becoming more and more popular in society, the risk of porn entering one’s relationship has heightened. However, understand that a 2018 study found that “heavy porn use” can, and often does damage and destroy relationships. It can also lead to relationship and sexual dissatisfaction – if you let it. 

Most women, who are dating, or in causal relationships, are oblivious to the high amount of porn their male partners are viewing. And, 1 in 6 married couples view porn as a “distractor” or source of conflict in their relationships.

Some of the factors that can lead to porn-induced breakups and divorces include feelings of betrayal by one or both partners, relationship and social anxiety, dishonesty, reduced sexual satisfaction, emotional detachment of one or both partners, and low self-esteem or self-confidence.

How Does Porn Addiction Affect the Other Partner?

Yes, it can, and almost always does.

Being committed (i.e., dating, in a relationship, or married) to a person with a “porn habit” can be taxing, to say the least. Porn addiction can significantly impact you in various parts of your life. But, most of all it can be emotionally tiring, depressing, and anxiety-provoking to the point where you begin to question why you are still with your partner. A partner’s porn addiction can make you feel as if you are not pretty, handsome, sexy, smart, or witty enough to be with your partner.

It can also cause you to question if your partner would be better off without you. You may feel the need to “compete” with the women or men in the porn images, video clips, or movies that your partner is obsessed with. If you are unable to “perform” like the people on the porn sites your partner frequents, it could cause you to develop an anxiety condition, like OCD, social anxiety, generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), or depression.

A partner’s porn addiction could also cause you to turn away from your friends and family for fear they will discover what your partner has been up to. Thus, it is an embarrassment, shame, and guilt that prevents you from talking about what is happening in your relationship and/or home. It is a lot to deal with alone, which is why you need support. But most of all you need to be on the same page as your partner.

You need to be honest with him or her and he or she needs to be honest with you because it is the only way your relationship will survive. You probably feel betrayed right now, and who could blame you. However, there is a way to save your relationship – it is called honesty. Taking the first step may be hard, but it is needed if you want to repair your broken relationship and reclaim your self-esteem and self-confidence.

You do not have to stay in that dark tunnel you have slid into, no, there is a light at the end of the tunnel you just have to follow the sound of your own voice as you explain to your partner how his or her “heavy porn use” has affected. That will open the floodgates to other much-needed conversations between you and your partner.

How Can I Talk About My Partner’s “Heavy Porn Use” With Him or Her?

Talking to your partner about his or her “porn use” can be scary. I get it. But, most times, it is necessary to get your relationship back on track. The truth is you should be able to talk to your partner about anything, if you cannot, you feel that way for a reason. You need to understand why you are hesitant about sharing your thoughts and feelings with your partner. 

Perhaps, you and your partner are experiencing communication problems, which is why he or she has not talked to you about his or her porn addiction and you have not brought the topic up with your partner. Regardless, nothing will change if you and your partner stay quiet. Thus, the first step to reclaiming your partner’s freedom and your life together is to prepare for and discuss what is happening in your relationship. 

There are several things you can do to prepare to talk to your partner about his or her “heavy porn use,” such as: 

Give Yourself a Break

The first step is to realize that none of this is your fault. Using porn was a choice your partner made. Unfortunately, the “porn use” morphed into a full-fledged porn addiction, but that is not your fault. 

You are not to blame for your partner’s actions, so it is important to give yourself a break – for your own peace of mind if nothing else. Remember, no matter how you are currently feeling, you are enough – good enough, smart enough, funny enough, attractive enough, etc. Are you perfect? No, but who is? However, you are “perfectly imperfect.”

Educate Yourself

Before you sit down with your partner to discuss his or her “heavy porn use,” learn everything you can about porn addiction – the definition, the causes, signs and symptoms, triggers, treatments, support groups, natural remedies, self-help tools, like Stop Together, an online porn addiction recovery program that can help your partner quit porn. 

Research porn addiction, purchase books on the topic, read articles and blogs on what it is like to grapple with porn addiction from the perspective of the addict and the perspective of the partner, and talk to porn addiction experts. You cannot be there for your partner if you do not understand what he or she is struggling with, so educate yourself before you attempt to discuss your partner’s “porn habit” with him or her.

Write Down Your Concerns & Questions

Take some time to think about what is really bothering you. How does your partner’s “heavy porn use” make you feel about yourself and him or her? What would you like to happen? Then, write down some questions to ask your partner, so you can better understand why he or she turned to porn instead of turning to you. 

For instance: 

• What prompted you to start using porn? 
• When did you first start using porn?
• Do you feel comfortable sharing these thoughts and urges with me? If not, why not?
• Are you happy with me and in the relationship?
• What do you need from me to be emotionally and sexually satisfied?
• Do you find me attractive, smart, sexy, etc.? 
• How does viewing porn make you feel during it and afterward?
• Do you want to stop using porn?
• How can we get our relationship and sex life back on track?
• Is there anything we could do in the bedroom so you would not feel the need to turn to porn?
• How can we work together to help you quit porn and focus more on us and our relationship? 

Allow your partner to answer your questions without rushing or interrupting him or her. Once, your partner has finished sharing his or her “truth,” it will be time for you to voice your concerns, worries, thoughts, fears, etc., with him or her. Do not become shy – explain to your partner how his or her “heavy porn use” makes you feel.

Do not use accusatory language and do not blame or belittle your partner, because, at this point, he or she has likely lost control of his or her “porn use” and is unable to stop doing it, even if he or she wants to. At this point, your partner will likely need porn addiction treatment to overcome his “porn habit.” What does that mean? It means your partner will need your compassion, love, wisdom, and support to successfully beat the addiction.

So, listen to your partner’s rationale without judgment and then share your perspective. Ask your partner to refrain from interrupting you when it is time to share your “truth.” Be honest and open. And, then brainstorm ways to address your partner’s porn addiction and repair your relationship. 

Ask Open-Ended Questions

If you ask yes and no questions, all you will get are yes and no answers. Open-ended questions allow your partner to give detailed explanations about why he turned to porn and why he keeps using it. 

Plus, when a person takes on a “blaming” or “accusatory” demeanor, it causes the other person to “shut down” and quit listening – or caring about what you have to say. So, ask open-ended questions, so your partner has an opportunity to voice his or her thoughts, beliefs, opinions, reasoning, etc. 

Find the Right Time

The last thing you want to do is to bring up your partner’s porn addiction in the middle of an argument or disagreement. A little secret – your partner will not hear anything you say to him or her if he or she is angry, sick, upset, busy, depressed, anxious, stressed, or upset, so it is best to wait until your partner is in a fairly decent mood, and feeling pretty good, emotionally and physically. 

Once, your partner is in a good enough mood to talk about hard things, ask to speak to him or her about something that has been bothering you. If it is not a good time, schedule a time that works better for both of you. Keep the mood light so your partner does not clam up on you or avoid the “meeting.” 

Be Honest

Be honest about how you feel when discussing your partner’s “porn habit” with him or her. Do not sugarcoat your feelings or thoughts to appease your partner. He or she needs to know how you really feel – if your relationship is to stand a chance of survival. So, if your partner’s “heavy porn use” makes you feel insecure? Tell him or her. If it makes you feel angry? Tell him or her that too. 

Be honest with your partner. I promise you he or she will respect you more because you were honest with him or her. Tell your partner that you feel that porn is distracting you from your real-life relationship. Explain to your partner that you need more from him or her and that you think he or she has a problem with porn. 

Reassure your partner that you will be there for him or her as long as he or she seeks help for the porn addiction. But, also let him or her know that you will not stand to be second place to porn – because you deserve better than that. 

Voice how you feel and then allow your partner to respond. Maintain your composure. Do not start yelling or accusing your partner – just listen. Try to empathize with your partner, because he or she did not set out to get addicted to porn. So, be firm and honest with your partner, but also show him or her some compassion and support.

Provide Reassurance

Reassure your partner that although you are addressing this issue with him or her, you are still in the relationship. Let your partner know that if he or she is willing to work on quitting porn or at the very least reducing his or her “porn use,” you will be there with him – every step of the way. 

Be empathetic towards him or her. Why? Because if you harbor animosity or hostility towards your partner, this is akin to kicking someone when he or she is down. If you a judgmental and critical towards someone, it will only make the situation worse. 

So, try to hear your partner out, and if you decide the relationship is worth saving, reassure your partner that you are in it for the long haul – even though he or she hurt you. Explain to your partner, that although you feel betrayed by his or her “porn use,” you believe your relationship can be saved, so if he is willing to seek porn addiction treatment, you will walk beside him on his journey towards becoming “porn-free.”

Be Open to Suggestions

Do not automatically shut down your partner because you do not like his or her suggestions. Try to see the beauty in your partner’s suggestions. If your partner has agreed to work with you to address his or her “heavy porn use” and work on your relationship, give him or her the space to do it. In other words, do not shut him or her down for the heck of it or because you think you know better. 

Remember, you are a team. So, if both of you want to save your relationship, you will need to be open to each other’s opinions, perspectives, and suggestions. Keep your eyes on the prize – helping your partner quit porn and saving your relationship. So, listen and try to incorporate your partner’s ideas or suggestions into the porn addiction recovery plan.

Gently Encourage Your Partner to Seek Porn Addiction Treatment

Once, you and your partner have agreed to address the elephant in the room – his or her porn addiction, it is time to gently (keyword – gently) encourage him or her to seek porn addiction treatment. Discuss the various porn addiction treatments with him or her. These treatments may involve cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), addiction therapy, trauma counseling, and couples counseling. 

Offer to accompany your partner to his counseling sessions, if he or she prefers. Explain to your partner that you are willing to go with him or her to couples counseling. Reassure your partner that he or she is not alone. You will be there. Make sure your partner understands that porn addiction therapy will not only strengthen him or her, but also your relationship. Tell your partner that you love and support him or her, and only want the best for him or her. 

Discuss the Various Forms of Porn Addiction Help

If your partner is not quite ready to seek formal porn addiction treatment, you may be able to persuade him or her to try other forms of porn addiction help, such as mindfulness meditation, hypnosis, CBD, vitamin or mineral supplements, and breathing exercises. 

Healthy coping skills and strategies, journaling, anti-porn “blockers” or programs, lifestyle changes, such as moving your laptop or computer to open spaces like your living room, porn addiction support groups, apps, books, and/or self-help tools, like Stop Together, can help you gain control over your “porn habit” so it no longer controls you.

References

• Maas, M. K., Vasilenko, S. A., & Willoughby, B. J. (2018). A dyadic approach to pornography use and relationship satisfaction among heterosexual couples: The role of pornography acceptance and anxious attachment. Journal of Sex Research, 55(6), 772–782. Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2018.1440281
• Dugan, A. (2018). More Americans say pornography is morally acceptable. Gallup Poll. Retrieved from https://news.gallup.com/poll/235280/americans-say-pornography-morally-acceptable.aspx
• Carroll, J. S. (2018). The porn gap: Differences in men’s and women’s pornography patterns in couple relationships. BYU Wheatley Institution. Retrieved from https://wheatley.byu.edu/porn-gap-differences-mens-womens-pornography-patterns-couple-relationships/